I’ve been writing a few feature film scripts for a few years now. It took me a long time, but they are coming together (story wise) finally and it’s been an experience like no other. I’ve hinted at this ‘dark scary place’ previously, in this conversation I’m having with myself, but I’ve been in it for so long now that it’s just a place. It’s the place where ideas come in fuzzy and you put in a ton of effort to make them clear. If you’re curious and would like to see, I can sort of show you what its like…
Let’s switch off a few things: Death, politics, harassment, heartbreak, screams, sirens, All The Bad Stuff. Now take a deep breath… Whoa! isn’t this nice? Okay.
It’s pitch black all around you. You look left, nothing. Right, yup, black. You look up, there’s a pin hole galaxies away, but it casts no shadows. You look down and you can see your own feet! ‘You’ exist and you can walk through this void. You realize you can see the ground, that’s also black. You feel around your body (idk if you wear clothes in this space, but I do) and you have a headlamp and belt on. Attached to this belt are four empty black canvas pouches. This Void is your perspective/consciousness/subconsciousness/mind you go to find a story.
As you walk, endlessly and forever, in this space with your little headlamp on, you scavenge the ground for anything. Most of it is Pepsi cans and empty Prime bottles, but every so often you find a piece of a puzzle… You find a Blue. You move along, this time for a week, and you find a Yellow. Months later you come upon a corner of a Red.
You imagine this Blue Yellow Red puzzle in your head. You piece it together. You think you have something that could communicate what’s in your void, to share your experience with the world and so you do. People ask questions that you don’t have answers for and questions that make you feel like maybe you should go back to the Void for a while longer, but it’s lonely down there… What is it that you’re trying to say? Maybe it’s too early to even tell that. So back down you go.
You find Green, a Green!! Two steps later another Green! You get on a roll, you find 10 Greens in a week. How did this happen? What was going on above the surface that made this miracle possible?! You can’t wait to start building your puzzle. After a while you assemble a 100 piece Green puzzle. You bring it above ground and share it with some people and they go:
Oh! I know that, that’s pretty good.
You send it around, some people like it, some are jealous, and others don’t give a rats. But you made something! Cool… now what?
You wonder what it would be like to make something bigger… more true to your experience, like the Green puzzle, but expanded! But what could it be… Along your journey in the void you’ve found 600 Blue, 4400 Yellow, somehow, 2500 Red and 100 Green. Is it all one Big Puzzle? If it is you could be in the Void for quite some time… Do you have enough? What if you’re short on Green? There’s only one way to find out.
In the void, with your headlamp, you find all the corner pieces you can within your bags. Your theory of it being one big puzzle is potentially correct, or you could make several puzzles of each color… but that would be kind of boring over time… So you start to build. As you do you accept the following:
This puzzle is certainly going to take a while.
You do not have the right amount of Green pieces and you’ll have to go back out and look for more.
You found three sets of four corner pieces for Yellow, which is cool. You could use a break from this giant puzzle.
You step back and look at what you’ve made. It’s coming together, but it’s probably best that you make a few of these three Yellow puzzles and continue to search for Green. And so you do.
One of the three Yellow puzzles lands you a new job, and the other two (although you liked them better) had minimal reaction but those who it spoke to LOVED those puzzles and can’t wait to see what you do next. But the new job doesn’t allow as much time down in the void as much as you’d like.. but you gotta eat so what can you do?
Your best, that’s what.
Back in the Void you find what feels like enough Green. You’re never exactly sure but you feel its about right — you’ve become accustomed to this by now. You head over to The Big Puzzle and it’s right where you left it. Not as you remember but that’s best. So you get to work adding the new Green pieces… You work and work and you step back and you like your additions! There’s just one problem… The puzzle is so large that your headlamp cannot illuminate all of the puzzle at once… That’s new. You also, for the first time, are presented with the following issues/questions:
You are having trouble completing the center of the puzzle. How do you reach it? Build a scaffolding? You have no money to reach it or you risk stepping on completed parts and don’t wish to do that.
How the hell do you get this thing to the surface when it’s done?
Time to seek community on the surface. You attend meet ups. Network. Get coffees. Drinks. Meals. Apply to residences (that don’t accept you) All instead of going to the Void to finish your puzzle.
It’s different from the last one, you tell people, but similar. Some relate, others can’t. Others have their own puzzles they are trying to finish and those who are Puzzle Masters are too busy to meet up, but happy to send a letter in the mail about what they did to finish and share their puzzles, but it’s a much different time now than when they came up as a Puzzler… But you meet one puzzler who has completed over 12 puzzles who is on the brink of finishing her Big Puzzle! You both talk the same language. You’re both professionals. You understand each other and it’s inspiring, but you wish her luck and go on your way. So you’ve learned a lot. You’re inspired. Met some folks. Now what?
Back to The Void.
These days, in the Void, instead of making anything you catch yourself looking at the puzzle wondering how you could complete this without seeing the entire thing… Maybe it’s finished? Maybe… It’s horrible and you should stop. Maybe it’s a masterpiece. Maybe it’s dated already, you’ve been working on it for so long. Or it could be the most timely puzzle the world needs right now! You can’t tell, because, oh yeah, you only have one lamp. You’ve ran circles now in your own mind… What do you do?
On the surface you take deep breaths. Go about your day. Call your dad, because you know him and he’s alive and well (there’s no disease, death, or anything in this story remember?) And you ask for advice you say “Dad, I’m stuck what do I do?” And dad says:
“Well, (Daughter/Son/Child), I don’t make my own puzzles I just play with them. I like the good ones and the bad ones are okay sometimes. All the ones I ever do seem to have some kind of team around to help make them. Do you have a team helping you make yours?” No… You don’t. Holy. Shit. Dad. You’re a genius! Loveyoubuncheshappyfathersdaybye.
A team, you need a team! What kind of team? You go to the library and look up past puzzle making teams. You read about them, in books, because you’re a smart capable person with focus, cognition, memory, and… eyes. You see publicists, managers, and other things listed you can’t comprehend how people obtain but you understand-with your smart brain-that you aren’t really there yet. So you do more research and learn that early in people’s careers they work with like minded people on the same level as they were at the time! Of course! All those people at those events are looking for the same things you are!
You go back to the meetings and networking events again only to realize… the people who were there before aren’t there now. It’s a different set of people. You shake hands and take cards and phone numbers and take a free swig of water not really connecting with anyone in a deep meaningful way… What happened to the one guy with the puzzle that sounded good? You look him up, again at the library with books, and you can’t find him. Maybe he’s in the same boat you are, but he’s drifted away from you…
You remember you have the card of the 12 Puzzle Woman! You pull it out of the desk and you give her a call. She answers and she remembers you, just thinking of you actually! She remembers your puzzle you’d talked about. You catch up, share recent puzzles you’ve admired from other Puzzlers and have a great conversation. You ask for advice, and she says:
“Oh, I finished my puzzle and it helped out a group of educators which helped get me a new job at a place… Which wasn’t my intention but it’s cool! But now I’m working on a New Large Puzzle. I have friends coming down to my Void later today, actually, to give it a look”
Wait.
“Wait?”
I said that out loud?
“Haha, yeah, wait what?”
Oh. I’m sorry, you bring friends into The Void?
“Yeah, they are the only people I can trust. They don’t judge me and I need the extra light. They are happy to help! I support them in their solo journeys too. One is a great pottery artist and mother who always has the best feedback.”
Huh… Friends. In the Void… That’s sounds scary to me, I’ve not done that.
“It is scary, at first, but then you realize they know a lot about you already and they will see shades of themselves in the puzzle too and be able to help by asking questions you can’t ask yourself. The extra light down there helps and it’s actually pretty fun! If you think you’re onto something Big I say it’s worth a shot to bring some friends down to your Void.”
Wow! Okay… Friends in the Void, got it.
You talk to your friends, who you love and support through anything, and they agree to come down to the Void next Saturday. Next Saturday? Sure why not. Shit shit shit. Okay. People are going to see this soon! What! It’s not ready yet! You FLY back down to the Void and you do exactly what you should NOT do: You stress the fuck out and panic.
CLICK CLACK CLICK CLACK SPLOOT.
You look down, and there’s your dog. She helps remind you to love yourself.
“You’re right”, you say, “that won’t solve anything.”
You look back at the Puzzle.. and you see a few places that you could improve almost instantly and you think of a way to build parts of the middle without any rigging or stepping on finished areas! And so you do it throughout the week before your friends come down to the Void. The thought of it makes your heart pound, but in a good way.
Once they come down there they illuminate your puzzle. You can see it, in its entirety, for the first time. They point out areas they like and relate to and areas that could use maybe use more attention. You agree and you thank them. They tell you good job because they know you have done your best and that it took a lot of courage to bring them down there.
It worked, you make adjustments you finish it. It’s done? Hurray!
Now, you realize, you only have one option: to bring your 10,000 piece puzzle up to the surface the same way you found it— by the pouches on your belt. You do this, and as you do one of the people that LOVED Yellow puzzle #2 has a belt and a few extra hours after work they can loan you and they’d love to help. You come to an agreement and it’s clear that you have a mutual respect and admiration for one another and can work on each others puzzles. Because there is no heartbreak, therefore you can’t be let down. You trust this person and you say you’ll pay it forward— and you will because you’re an awesome person.
On one of your trips down you find something new, a few Purple pieces. You shove it in one of your pouches and keep going. You have no idea what that puzzle might bring, but you trust you’ll figure it out along the way and you’ll have a teammate to turn to when you need it next time.
Unfortunately we have to turn back on all the switches we shut off earlier. And change the puzzle into something real and remove the teammate. Life is back. All the distractions and pain. Work is slow. The world is on fire and here you are trying to write something to make it all go down nice and smooth for whoever is willing to pay attention.
Navigating hits of Death, politics, harassment, heartbreak, screams, sirens, and All The Bad Stuff while trying to finish a project is very hard work. Not all distractions are bad, some inform the process in unexpected ways. We push forward because we have to. Not all hits are bad, of course, some are beautiful. In the writing of my scripts I’ve made videos, wrote blogs, and had a month long photo show. In some instances bad hits can pause creativity, or life as a whole, and others are …inspiring… and I’ve come to give these hits a fun little name.
